Today is the Feast of the Immaculate Conception, a holy day of obligation in the Catholic Church. That means you have to fast for an hour, and then go to mass. Why? Contrary to popular belief, this is not the day that celebrates all that Virgin Birth stuff and all those messy questions about what Joseph's role in the proceedings was. No, the Feast of the Immaculate Conception commemorates the fact that from the get-go, the BVM was conceived in God's head as totally pure, destined to be the free-from-sin (original or not), free-from-concubescence, perfect vessel with which to bring the human manifestation of God's existence into the world. ("Well," my favorite English professor told me she once asked one of the nuns, "If she was free from concubescence -- free of desire -- what's all the fuss about her being a virgin? I mean, if you're allergic to chocolate, what's the point of giving it up for Lent?" For this she was sent to the Mother Superior's office.)
It's also my birthday. Do you know what a drag it was to have to go to mass after school before your birthday party began?
Do you even know what a drag it was to have a birthday in December altogether? Nobody's paying attention to you. It's all about Christmas and the presents they're going to get. And do you get a big present? No. They're saving up for the Christmas presents. All my friends who had birthdays in July would get a big birthday present like a bike, and then at Christmastime would get a big Christmas present like a scooter. Not us Sagges. Your family's busted by Christmas, and can only afford the "Birthday-Slash-Christmas" dual present. You got the new bike OR the scooter, not both. Party? Well, after Mass. Don't forget to fast a hour before Holy Communion.
Maybe that's why us Saggitarians are such a outgoing, extroverted, attention-craving bunch. We have to be: "YO! I'm here! Remember?!?!? That's right, ME! It's my birthday! Yo! Pay no attention to that man behind the red suit! Listen up! Yo! I said YO! As in, Spanish for ME! Yo soy una muchacha del cumpleanos! I'm expecting a cake here! Do I need a microphone! Hey! HEY! HEY!Can you quit with the 'God Rest Ye Merry Gentlemen' for just a minute and whip through a chorus of 'Happy Birthday'? Can you at least don you now the gay apparrel to go out for some cocktails? That's all I'm sayin'."