Monday, April 10, 2006

Where's Your Moses Now?

I'm sorry, I normally enjoy a new take on a classic, but I have to agree with the Milwaukee Journal's Joanne Weintraub on this on: Its just not The Ten Commandments without Charlton Heston. Now I'm just as pinko as the next tofu-sucking Eastsider, but I put politics aside for Charlton Heston's performance in The Ten Commandments. It's like being a feminist and still liking the music of Ted Nugent.

But normally, while I'd want to write forever defending the aesthetics of Mr. DeMille's grand production, I have a more important reason for wishing that the Heston Moses was the Moses we're getting, and that is: How are we going to play The Ten Commandments Drinking Game without it? Its my household's biggest Easter Tradition and I'm holding to it. They'll have to pry it from my cold dead hands.

Anyway, here's how to play The Ten Commandments Drinking Game:

Get yourself the wine or beer of your choice (make sure its kosher!), along with some shots, gather 'round the TV, and get ready to take a drink whenever:

  • Anybody exasperatingly says "Moses, Moses, Moses."
  • Whenever Vincent Price's Master Builder looks laviciously at some Israelite girl he wants to fuck and calls her "my little swamp lily" or some variation of "my [diminutive] [disgusting filthy place] [pristine floral reference]."
  • You see a cheesy special effect. Have a sixpack ready for the succession of plagues.
  • Moses comments on some God-induced miracle with an odd analogy: eg. "God parts the waters with a blast from his nostrils!"
  • Any time any Egyptian says the word "Hebrew" with disdain
  • Moses turns down an opportunity with da laideeeeeez. Again, have a sixpack ready for the scene in the Bedouin's tent, when ol Chuck just doesn't get it that they don't want any money, they just need somebody to help freshen up the gene pool.
  • Whenever the music swells to imply that God is having a hand in the proceedings.
  • Whenever Moses gets preachy. Have a whole beer ready to chug during the "All right, get out of Egypt" scene, where Moses leaves, still lecturing on his way out about God's Glory and all, and Yul Brenner's Pharaoh is like: "Will you shut up already?"
  • Every time Edward G Robinson's greasy Dathan switches loyalties: "OK, I'm done with this firstborn dying stuff, so I'm following Mose here and getting the hell out of Dodge..." A few scenes later: "Where's your Moses now?!?!?"
  • You hear "So let it be written, so let it be done"
  • Anytime you feel like exasperatingly saying "Moses, Moses, Moses."

The first one to pass out (either from drinking, or drowning in postmodern irony) wins.

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

Also--drink (while mimicking the action) anytime a soldier claps his fist to his bosom after receiving a command.