I've been tagged by The L who was tagged by Prof. GQ so OK OK, I'll play. I'm not sure who I'll tag next, as it took me awhile to come up with fashionably pithy answers to the tag questions.
If you were to be the opposite sex for one day, what would you do?
The L says "Pee standing up and write my name in the snow!" I can already do that. You think I let my pristine ass ever touch any of those disgusting port-o-lets? Summer festival season is coming, people, time to strengthen those glutes. Oh, the question at hand? Geez, I'm already working in a male-dominated industry, always have, I'm into sports, I like cars: shoot, I'm already a gay man trapped in a woman's body. (I say 'gay' man because my sexual preference is men. So if I became a man, I'd have to be gay.) Maybe that's why I'm so passionate about defeating that ridiculous gay marriage amendment this fall! Thank god I don't have that high-maintenance thing between my legs, tho. Penis envy my dupah.
If you had to name the most difficult thing about being a teenager today, what would you say?
Has the difficulty of being a teenager today really changed from when we were teenagers? I mean, the stupid stuff has different names and places, but its all the same stupid teenager crap, perhaps a little more intense. So, I think learning not to sweat the small stuff (and trying to figure out exactly what the 'small stuff' is) is probably the most difficult thing.
If you had to name the most embarrassing moment of your life, when was it?
Like the L said, which time? I'm a Sagittarius, and thus and prone to clumsiness. So let's just go with the time I was about to make my grand entrance at the reception at my wedding and wiped out.
If you had to name the most overrated actor in Hollywood, who would it be?
Instead of naming the most overrated actor in Hollywood (because I agree with the L's answer of Tom Cruise) I'll name the most overrated musician in the Midwest today, and that would be Liz Phair
If you had to name the one personality trait that you have tried the hardest to change in yourself, what would you say?
Doing things 90% instead of 100%. But I think I might find a way to take it down to 75% instead.
If you could go back for one minute to the Garden of Eden and give Adam advice, what would you say?
Those fig leaves don't do a thing for you.
If you were to name the best "I told you so" you ever got to deliver, what was it?
I never get to deliver them. I always have to be the bigger freaking person about these things because unfortunately, my "I told you sos" usually involve bad things that were going to happen, and I don't want to rub the salt in the wound.
If you were Madonna, what would you do for your next publicity stunt?
I remember a poem that Henry Rollins once wrote about Madonna, with the line in it: "She makes me want to shop at Sears." There you go. Shop at Sears. Oh my god, would the blogs be analyzing this forEVER.
If you could have a lifetime 50 percent discount in any single store at your local mall, which store would it be in?
Hmmm. That's tough. Pottery Barn is tempting, but you only need about five things from Pottery Barn, and I have four of them. Let's go with Sears. Remember their ads from the 70? "Sears --- has everything." And they do. You need power tools? You need attachments for your KitchenAid stand mixer? You need a new fridge? You need a winter jacket for your 8 year old? You need the Land's End No-Tug one piece swimsuit? You need a pair of jeans? You need some cheap clothes you can wear to work? You need parts for your lawn mower? You need to not shop at WalMart? Sears, people. Sears. You don't realize this until you're in your 40s, but suddenly Sears becomes cool and a lifetime 50% discount would be useful all around. Just ask Henry Rollins. Or Madonna.
If you could have one more pet, what kind would you get, and what would you name it?
I would get a big ol golden retriever and name it Lamont, and then my husband would promptly file divorce papers. He's not into the whole 'having a pet' thing at all.
If you could have God perform one miracle today, what would you want it to be?
Make Wisconsin drivers actually install and use their turn signals. Plenty of other people will ask God for more important altruistic things like curing AIDS, stopping the war in Iraq, making everybody's cancer go into remission, etc. But I'll betcha more than a few lives would be saved (either immediately, or via less road rage) if people would actually use their freaking turn signals. Could somebody else put in a word with God about making retail people put the coins in your hand BEFORE the paper money and the receipt? God, how I hate when retail people put the coins on top of the paper. It makes me crazy. That would save a few lives, because on the wrong day, I'm liable to kill the next drive through clerk that puts the coins on top of the paper in my hand so they can promptly slide off and fall onto the ground before I can crumple my hand around them into my car.
If you could spend next New Year's Eve doing anything, what would you do, and with whom?
I'm like the L here, I'd spend it in our house with our best friends with great food and drink, not drinking like amateurs, and kids running around getting away with murder and feeling special because they get to stay up late.
If you were to set your country's immigration policy, what would it be?
Well, it wouldn't be Senslessbrenner's bill, that's for freaking sure. Have some heart, people.
If you were given the power to settle the issue of gays in the military, what policy would you set?
I would hope that everybody in the military could be well adjusted, happy and gay. This is what you're talking about? I dunno, they're running out of men in this war, they're digging into the National Guard because they're running out of troops, and they're still worried about stupid shit like what people do in their own private time behind closed doors? Get over it, guys.
If you could have one person you have lost touch with call you up tonight and invite you to dinner, who would you want it to be?
Nobody. I have other plans for dinner tonight and I'd have to feel bad about turning them down.
If you could change one thing about your love life, what would it be?
I will quote the L on this one: "What love life, we have two kids, I would change the fact that ever since the thunderstorm the other night that the little one seems to think that her bed is only for naps."
If you could have prevented one book from ever having been written, which book would it be?
On Becoming Babywise. Turning your kids into mindless, unquestioning automatrons who have no thoughts of their own just so you can get a fucking night's sleep is exactly why this country is in the mess its in: "Shut up. Be happy. We will tell you when you will eat, when you will play, when you may laugh and cry. We will think for you and we will schedule everything. Shut up. Stop crying. Be happy." That's Jello Biafra with Ice-T I'm paraphrasing, and thus that's me meta-paraphrasing Gary Ezzo, whether Jello realizes it or not. Seriously, you won't find one peer-reviewed person in the medical community who has anything good to say about "Babywise" and even Ezzo's own church kicked him out in sheer embarrassment. "Raising Kids God's Way" -- hmmph. I doubt this was God's way: his own kid pretty much grew up and became a government-defying revolutionary who was put to death for advocating that people who think differently that the "authority" figures still have a better chance of getting into heaven. The baby isn't crying to "manipulate you." The baby is crying because he needs something and unfortunately he's not fluent in English yet to specificy exactly what. Anybody who has a Windows-based computer and gets "General Protection Fault" errors understands this. When the baby cries, it's "General Baby Fault." Deal with it or else remember that condoms are on sale this week at Walgreens.
If you have to name the best music album ever recorded, which would you select?
Oh no. Oh no. I'm not holding to one. No freaking way. My desert island list has about 30 albums on it as it is. You want me to commit to one? Today it's "There's a Whole Lalo Schifrin Goin' On." Tommorow it will be "The Rise and Fall of Ziggy Stardust and the Spiders from Mars" and the next day, let's go with "Never Mind The Bullocks Here's the Sex Pistols." Don't worry, George Clinton will make an appearance on this list soon followed by other Americans. But I'm in a Britpop mood lately, along with incidental film music. Bring on the Bourne Supremacy soundtrack!
If you could have one thing made out of pure gold, what would you choose?
Hmmm. How about some Elton John style bifocals?
If God were to whisper one thing in your ear, what would you like Him to say?
Again, I'll defer to the L: "They're all idiots, its not just you!" That's the kind of thing John Lennon, who was shot on my 20th birthday, would say.